Friday, September 13, 2013

Armpits & Swearing...A Little Of Each Goes A Long Way!

Lady A has recently developed a repulsive habit of which I am a huge NOT fan. When she gets very tired and and wants to "night night" she thrusts her hand straight up my sleeve and into my armpit. Yes, that's right. I actually just typed the word ARMPIT. I don't know why or how it happened. One day she was obsessed with tickling us and now she can't sleep without her hand safely ensconced in armpit area. Now, I have never been neglectful of proper armpit hygiene so please do not misunderstand the next sentence. I am now shaving and deodorizing like a vigilant axilla analyst. (I bet you didn't know that was the technical term for armpit.) She is even waking in the middle of the night and seeking my armpit out in the dark which leads to a dozen not so pleasant ways I could be awakened from a deep, worry free sleep. Now, before you assume I am okay with this disturbing behavior, I would like to assure you I am not. I sincerely feel, in the deepest recesses of my heart, that this has to stop immediately. So three nights ago I refused to let her tuck her little hand safely away in my armpit and after multiple blocked attempts, she said very clearly, "Armpit, dammit!"

Oh yeah. I immediately looked to the hubs for confirmation but he was still resting in sweet oblivion about the entire matter so I called his attention to HIS daughter and asked her to repeat what she had just said, to which she happily obliged. Commence interrogation to the nth degree. Her first victim to which blame was assigned was Ethan. After she realized that wasn't going over she happily offered mommy up as the guilty party. Now, I honestly couldn't recall if she had actually heard this from me or not, I mean, it's not like I'm tossing around swear words for the masses but during a high stress moment it's possible, so I assumed the guilt and we left it there. Until I picked her up from daycare and our provider mentioned that she had walked into the kitchen after nap and nonchalantly tossed out the D word as if it were in her everyday vocabulary. Once again, I blushingly assumed the blame.

When I told her dad what had happened at daycare, he vomited up the truth faster than a pregnant woman at a sushi bar. I believe it went something like this:

Me: Your daughter said that word again. At daycare.
R: Oh yeah? I was thinking. There's a possibility she might have heard that from me. I mean, in all honesty, she probably thinks it's Ethan's first name.

And there you have it...the truth shall set you free. Or at the very least it will set your innocent (in this particular incident) wife free! For a moment at least, because, let's face it, the bigger issue is still at hand. I have a cursing toddler who is infatuated with armpits. How innocent could I possibly be?


  1. So funny! Actually most of my kids had some special attachment thing on me that they used for comfort. Withy two oldest it was my hair, they would hold a lock like it was a security blanket, it drove me insane!

  2. "she probably thinks it's Ethan's first name"... and that's why I keep coming back!

  3. That is soooo funny!! My two year old is really into, "Oh, Crap!" right now. That one might be my fault. Oh, the joys of parenting!! :)

    1. A scarlet F for Failure and a mirror would be more subtle and maybe less guilt riddled. Maybe? I don't know. I would wear mine like a badge of honor.